My Battle With Anorexia

Hey, I’m Noelle, I’m 17 and I weigh 95 pounds.

I have been on the skinny side since I can remember. My weight started to get worse when I started high school. I started comparing myself to other girls, by my looks, my shape. That started leading into my identity and became a daily struggle. It wasn’t till about a month and a half ago when it got so out of hand that I was uncontrollably shaking one day after school, I was in tears, I did not know what was going on. I then went to urgent care the next morning. At the urgent care I was still shaking and they ended up taking my blood. I was talked to by a doctor and they diagnosed me with anorexia. Since I heard the word anorexia come out of the doctors mouth, I started defining myself by that word. I began starving myself to the point where I was just never hungry anymore and no longer had the urge to eat. When I would eat, it would only be a couple bites of something. It began to get worse as the days went by, my insecurities became my life. Overpowered everything.

Everyone thought I was so pretty, they thought that everything was fine. While really I was internally and physically dying. What people thought of me was a weak point in my life, it was so easy, it still is so easy, also is for many girls my age to let that control who they are. My mindset was, "If I eat this whole piece then I'll get too fat," or "If I become heavier than I won't be the same girl that I am known as." It is like I knew what I was doing but at the same time I did not know. Not eating had become such a habit that I started to think it was normal. I basically brainwashed myself into believing that what I was doing to myself was okay. Like when I was diagnosed with anorexia and I was letting that define me, my whole attitude changed. I began to starve myself more, I would walk into Fuse on Wednesdays with just this burden on my shoulders. This burden of "anorexia" I would carry everywhere, I wouldn't ask for help, I didn't tell anyone about it, I felt that it was my problem and I had to deal with it by myself. I felt like this feeling of anger just start to form inside of me, I was angry at the Lord, I was angry at the way my life had started to play out. I felt like the Lord hated me, hated me for what I was doing to myself, like he was disappointed in me. I began to lose my faith and my eye sight of the path of life I wanted to go on I began shutting the Lord out, I wanted to take control of my life, thinking my words didn't matter even if I reached out fro help, that no one would even care to listen to me.. I would wear this mask of the "daily Christian," where I would talk the talk but I wouldn't be doing what I say. It wasn't until Gauntlet 2018 when my whole world literally shook.

Gauntlet 2018. So Gauntlet 2018 was truly an eye opener for me. I went into Gauntlet knowing that like yeah I know God is going to show me something but it wouldn't really affect me, I went into Gauntlet knowing who was in my room. I am a very shy and introverted person in a room with about one other introverted person then the other two not so much introverts. I also went into Gauntlet knowing I had a problem with anorexia and losing faith in the Lord, I wasn't expecting anything too big. As the week progresses into the second night, the worship night, my brother Austin comes up to me.Seeing him come up to me just after Kaleb White had spoken about identity and health problems, I knew something life changing was about to happen. I started tearing up as I saw him walking closer to me. He gets my attention and asks if he can speak with me, I say yeah. So I get out of my seat and he hugs me. The first words to come out of his mouth were, "You are beautiful, you are so beautiful." Right as I heard him say those words I broke down in tears. He didn't know anything that I was going through but yet the Lord spoke to him and told him say exactly what I needed to hear. He told me more, like God hears me, I am not alone, and that some doors have to close for new ones to open. After he was done speaking to me I went back to my seat and just cried, Kaleb was on the stage. Kaleb had said that if you have hearing aids that you will no longer need them after tonight and I literally saw miracles happen right in front of my eyes. People who couldn't hear could now hear, people with illnesses that the doctors said were incurable were healed from their illnesses. The Lord is so good. That night when my group got back to our room we shared what the Lord has done in us. I opened up for the first time all week and told my group what I was struggling with, how I was feeling, and what my brother had said to me. For the first time in my life I had never felt so free then I did that night.I began changing, I began trying again, I began loving myself for me. When I say Gauntlet was life changing, it truly was life changing.Gauntlet 2018, July 25th, a day I will never forget.

I'm not going to lie to you, this journey has not been easy. Everyday I am constantly fighting anorexia, I constantly fight to eat. I now go to therapy every two weeks and talk about my life. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of, I no longer define myself by the word anorexia anymore, I am a Child of God, I am made perfectly in His image. Everyday is a new struggle, getting over something like anorexia isn't just a quick fix. Anorexia is more of a mental health issue than a physical issue, because if you don't change your mindset on how you perceive yourself then you won't change the way you eat. I've learned how serious anorexia is and how it can drastically change someone. Going to the Lord first thing in the morning truly will encourage you for the rest of the day. I know it really isn't ideal for some people to do it right as they wake up but even just making time for Him is all He asks and wants from you, so doing it later in your day is okay. I know there are somedays where I just don't feel like it but those days end up being the days I need it the most. If you are dealing with anorexia or anything and need someone to talk to I am always open to talk to you. I love you.

-Noelle Deneroy

#faith #trust #LifeBattles