L O V E . What is it? What is it not?

Love. There are so many different ways people think that love is. There are many ways you can love. People can perceive love in many different ways. When you hear the word “love” spoken, you might think, “a bond that will never be broken.” You might think about how your heart got broken and felt like nothing will ever be okay again. Love is complicated, confusing, a life journey, a storm, something that you personally feel only happens to other people. Love to me for a while was like a fantasy. What I mean by a “fantasy” was that what you see happen in movies was real. Also, it meaning that it’s a dream, that it would never happen to me personally. Growing up and watching the way my parents portrayed love to each other and to their children showed me what love means, but that didn’t necessarily mean that I believed it could be true for me. It is crazy how your mindset can effect anything and everything you do. The mindset that I had about love ruined the relationships I had. My vision of love was, “ yeah people say they love you, but do they really?” “Why would anyone love me, I’m not worthy of that.” I never believed love was real. The perspective I had of myself effected how I treated the ones closest to me. How I loved them. I would push people away no matter what. It doesn’t matter how much love they may show me, I would still exclude them from my life. So a question for you is, what does love mean to you truly? In my life journey these past couple of weeks I’ve really taken the time to think, like deeply think about what love is/means to me personally. I’ve been shaken, had a revelation while in the shower one night. The Lord had asked me, “Do you believe I love you?” I took a second and my first thought was, “ yeah of course, I mean that’s a cliché question Lord.” But then I really thought about it, I didn’t think God loved me, like truly love me. I had felt that I had to earn his love repeatedly. I didn’t feel I deserved it because of my past. And I feel that is how so many others think when it comes to the depths of love. I constantly felt that I had to prove to the Lord that I am worthy enough to be loved. It became emotionally and physically draining, to the point where I just gave up, started to shut people out, began forming the mindset that I’m not enough. I was in a relationship when I started forming this mindset. The relationship became toxic, I was being told these lies about myself; lies like, ”basic bitch, selfish piece of shit, attention seeker, no consideration for others, only hurt others, insensitive piece of crap.” Being told these things was like fuel to a car to me. At that point in my life, with that mindset, made me believe these things about myself. Why would I believe these things? Because when you believe love is something that you have to earn or that you don’t feel worthy of, those words only proved my point to myself. So what changed my thoughts on love then? It was Sunday, 5/19/19, after load out at church. I was laying on my bed, trying to fall asleep but I couldn’t. So I began praying, asking the Lord why can’t I believe that you love me for me? Why do I feel I have to earn your love? Why do I believe these words spoken to me? He told me to read Mark 16. So I started reading it, this chapter is about the resurrection. Reading this hit me hard. It stated that salvation is given; it’s not earned. I began to reflect in where my values were rooting from. Where my thoughts were starting from. I believed those things because my perspective of love was twisted, I had let what others say to me and about me influence my definition of love. So after I had read Mark 16, I began to put into thought and process that I don’t have to prove anything, that God loves me for me. I have learned so much about love in this past year. The Lord loves endlessly, recklessly, overwhelmingly. So what does love mean to me now? Love to me isn’t something only meant for certain people, it’s nothing you necessarily have to earn either. Love isn’t that heartbreak from that guy/girl that doesn’t deserve you. Love isn’t that manipulation you are going/went through. Love isn’t those negative words you’re being told by yourself and others. Love is for everyone. Love is given to you by the Lord. Love is real. Love is that relationship where you are treated with and by someone who truly understands your worth. Love shouldn’t be used in ways to get what the other person wants. Why settle for love that you know isn’t real? Why settle for love that you know won’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated? Love can be complicated, stressful, breathtaking, unbelievable, eye-opening, a perspective change, reckless, overwhelming, beautiful. Remember who your Heavenly Father is, constantly remind yourself. Surround yourself with people who know your worth, so you can be loved right. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are worthy enough. You are loved.